Frida Kahlo (via la-nota-musical)
I don’t know how to start this but I just find myself a bit disappointing. I have two test this week but I did not study at all during the weekend. I can excuse myself for being lazy on Saturday but I just wanna beat myself up for not studying on Sunday.
I came back so sick on a Sunday morning, trying to hide from my parents but in the end, I just couldn’t pull it off. I was just beyond normal. I drank so much the night before that I had to see the doctor the next day. Never in my life, had I been so uncontrollable. I just let go myself entirely. At first, I thought it was just me, trying to have fun but when my mum asked me, why did you drink so much? Are you unhappy about something? It just kinda strikes me. I started questioning myself. Was I drinking recklessly just so I could have fun or did I drink so much to make myself sick that I have a valid excuse not to study. My mum just knows when to ask the right question, sometimes I just despise that.
I wonder now, was I unrestrictive because I don’t want to face the reality or did I just go out of control in a party? I truly don’t know the answer. If the former is the answer, I need to reorganize and put my feelings together. I guess I just don’t want to face the reality of having to wake up sane the next morning with books and notes awaiting my attention. Maybe I just want to be sick so I don’t have to force myself to study.
For the past weeks, it has been hectic though it might not seem so. Never had I miss a week of classes and had I not pay attention in classes. I was fully awared in class and did not zone out in lectures nor tutorials. Every week, I have to make sure I did my revision on the subjects of the entire week. There was never a weekend that my mind wanders off aimlessly. There will always be something school related in my mind for the entire weekend. I’m tired. I never had a week of leisure without anything in mind. Even during mid semester break, I was rushing up on assignments and test. I’m exhausted. Really. I have another month and a half to go, I’m afraid I can’t make it to the end though I have to.
My friend was telling me one day that she cried on the week she felt so hectic, and I was being dramatic. Guess what, I feel like I might just want to cry out loud too. Sometimes, school can be so overpowering. I think it’s because I care so much of my education that I cannot let off the pressure of not doing well. I know everyone feels the same but I guess you can’t really tell how overpowering the pressure is until someone lets it all out.
Mixed feeling of scare, nervous and sad.
It would be rather unusual for me to be writing now. Usually I get my inspiration when the sun goes down. I was quite curious about what I wrote exactly a year ago and a day before today so I went on and read a post from 14/4/2012. I can’t believe I was such a brat before. I was utterly ignorant, self-absorbed and stubborn. Well, on the bright side, a year from then, I’m now a mature and considerate person, I hope that’s what it seem as I think so. Though a year may not sound too long ago but I feel it within myself that I have grown more mature.
At the down side, I was pretty bump out that my brother might be coming back after end of this year if he doesn’t get the job he wants. All along, I’m just preparing to go over there and join him. Not physically but it’s nice to be in the same city together though we wouldn’t be seeing or living with each other. But, there might be a chance that we might get closer. I do really hope that he can/will continue staying there. I just love the idea that both of us can be in the same city. I can’t lie, I was slightly disappointed.
From last years’ post as well, I learned something from that. I can’t put too much expectations or hope on someone. I think that would be the biggest turn out from last year. I just stop hoping that someone or something might just happen to me by not doing anything to make it happen. Surprisingly, what I heard from yesterday, that I always get what I want, is just entirely untrue. I don’t get what I want all the time and there is a reason why I never have grievance and complains. The reason why I never complain or accumulate grievance is, after all, I’m the one who knows that grievance is just a bag of old luggage. I don’t want to carry it anymore. I never complain because I was never disappointed. I never had any high expectations and that’s the reason why I don’t grumble.
From 2012 to 2013, it was a big transition. But so does every year. As they said, a year older, a year wiser. Always believe in myself and never give up easily. I believe that I no longer quit easily, like how I used to. I guess, as we grow by the age, so does our mind. Even though, I said it before, that this year did not change a single bit from last year, the changes was so insignificantly precious that I get blindsides sometimes. I’m happy to the person I grew up to be.